There Goes My Worth

As a young girl who went to church faithfully and watched God perform many miracles in the lives of others, I so desperately wanted to grow up, become successful, and have a loving, devoted husband. I pictured myself having a beautiful wedding on a white sandy beach, sharing a blissful life of love and laughter with the man of my dreams. Well let me just say, at the young age of nine, someone decided that my worth was not worthy enough, and that I did not deserve to remain a virgin and share this special gift with my future husband.

So there went my worth out the door leaving me feeling unlovable, disgusting, and as if something were wrong with me. I absolutely felt as though I was not as special as the other girls who still had their virginity.

Could it have been because I felt my worth was gone that I later gave myself away so easily? Is that the reason behind so many of our youth having sex at an earlier age today?

As the old saying goes, “You are what you think,” and since I didn’t feel that it was important enough to keep my “unkept” self, I began to give myself away knowing that it was wrong. But by then I was in high school and seeing so many others doing the same thing that I really could not see why there was a problem. It was not until I was sitting in church on a Sunday morning and hearing the pastor’s messages on fornication, adultery, and other sexual sins that my skin would crawl, and I would want to hide under the pews.

The Bible is clear:

“Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed is undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4 KJV

I felt guilty because I had grown up with a grandmother who taught Sunday School and instilled the scriptures in me. I had a very loving mother and I knew my father would harm any guy who put their hands on me. (And that is why he died never knowing that someone had touched his baby girl.)

I knew that having been touched by an older relative was wrong. I also knew that sex before marriage was wrong. I constantly felt like I wanted to wash away all the filthiness from my body and be clean again. I really wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to save myself for someone special. For a while I would. But again and again, I would get caught up in my emotions and find myself falling for some guy who said he cared for me and made me feel good about myself.

Most of the time when we do give in to sin of any type, we are trapped in some type of emotional state. And that is why it is especially important to remember to take and remain in control of our emotions.

It reminds me of the woman at the well, who Jesus exposed as having had five husbands and a man currently in her house who was not her husband. It is as if this promiscuous woman at the well was constantly looking for something that she thought she could find through lovemaking but could only be found through Jesus.

God desires for us to remain pure, but He also knows our hearts. I, like the woman at the well, continued to search for true love among feelings of lust and self-gratification only to bring pain and shame upon myself. Lust as well as promiscuity is a sin. They are both of the flesh and not of the Spirit. And we know that sin is not pleasing in God’s sight.

Being sexually active caused me to become a young mother out of wedlock and to become another statistic. Now having my children was not a mistake but having them so young and being unwise was a mistake. Had I just sat still, stopped living in sin, and allowed Jesus to enter my life and take control, I could have avoided some of the mishaps in my life. Yes, I have made my share of mistakes.

In my younger days, when a guy and myself would connect on some level, I would say that we clicked or had chemistry, not realizing that we both had unclean spirits that were attracted to each other.

When two people join themselves together sexually, it is not just a physical act. Their spirits are joined together as well. That is why promiscuity is not good for anyone. Every time you sleep with a different individual, you pass along that person’s spirit to the next person and the next person after that. You continue to take in spirit after spirit and then wonder why it is so hard to heal and move forward.

Our bodies are a temple, a sacred place. We must protect our temples and watch what we allow to enter our bodies. We must guard our hearts and minds from certain types of movies, music, people, and places in order to keep a clean spirit. We must yield to the Holy Spirit and purge all impurities and uncleanliness from ourselves, allowing God to make us pure again.

After realizing our shortcomings, we may simply ask ourselves what kind of spiritual state was I in? Why did I allow myself to do such a thing? Why did I go against God’s word and His will?

Now, that I am older, wiser, and have gone through the purification process, I am fully aware of the difference. Temptation is real and we cannot allow ourselves to fall under the attacks that come. Let us continue to walk in righteousness and teach the young men and women coming up under us to do the same.

If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it would be to save myself, even after what happened to me. I would tell the younger me to wait on God and do things the right way.

Once I dedicated myself back to the Lord, I asked God to keep me in His will. As I said before, temptation is real. It can come from any place. We must renew our minds daily so that we do not fall victim to the enemy’s tricks. In 1 Corinthians 13:11, it states:

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. NKJV

So today, I truly thank God for His forgiveness, mercy, and grace as well as my spiritual growth. Although I fell short by giving in to my sinful nature and acting promiscuously, I still had a loving and forgiving God who welcomed me back with open arms and He will do the very same for you!

~Love & blessings


Melody is the founder of M.O.R.E. – Mothers Overcoming Real-life Experiences. You can follow her at on Facebook or @moreofmelody on Instagram.

Check out her contribution to this brand-new book: 20 Beautiful Women: 20 More Stories that will Heal Your Soul, Ignite Your Passion, and Inspire Your Divine Purpose – Melody Hansley. Available at

Scripture taken from King James Version (KJV). (Public Domain)

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.


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