Hating the Person Within

I used to channel my frustration at the enemy. I always assumed it was him. I never used the word hate, yet I hated him. Along my journey I have found it’s not just him, that there is someone else to blame. And that someone else –I hated her with an even greater passion!

You will look back on all the ways you defiled yourselves and will hate yourselves because of the evil you have done. Ezekiel 20:43 NLT

When I tried to do right, she tried to coerce me to do wrong. For a long time, she dominated me. Her perversely persuasive ways enticed me. When her cravings raged out of control, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was the illusion of my high. I was so far gone with her to the point she almost completely took over my world.

Every thought within my inner being seemed to be hers. But God, He wouldn’t stop pursuing me! He challenged her ways and penetrated me to a place no one had ever pierced before. He suited me up with His sweet words of affirmation. He showed me my anointing.

The Kingdom called on my life. God reminded me that everything she seduced me to do was rooted in a world of polluted lies, deception, and deceit. He promised me her plan was never His plan for my life, but He would take it all and use it for a greater good. My Savior, my King required me to fully unveil before Him and my husband, the covering of my house. It was only in that act of full surrender that I would submit myself unto their authority so He could pave the whole way to rehabilitation.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT

Drowning in a sea of lies and dysfunction, I was in the fight of my life. It was bigger than a simple paradigm shift. What the Lord was unfolding in me would shatter the paradigm for future generations to come.

As I slept for 35 years not understanding the layers of awakening the Lord had walked me through, I was now ready; I was equipped; and I was strong enough to take back my life by laying it down to Him. Faith and fear cannot operate in the same realm. As I look back on that turning point in my life, I was fearless because I was suited up in the full armor of God. This was way too big to be taken lightly. This was war! A war that raged inside me. It was time to attack. I hated her so much and she had to go. She had to be dismissed from her assignment once and for all.

Deep down I believe she longed to be put in her place. She had never truly been checked. So, this time, she had to submit to the authority of who was really taking command of me. Either it would be Stacha dressed in soul wounds and trauma or Stacha clothed in strength and dignity, laughing without fear of the future. Battle ready in His Word, in worship, and in praise, I refused to compromise.

Stacha in Spirit, love, and truth could not lose this war. Yet we both had no idea the takeover that was underway. Of course, her and all her strongholds attempted to arouse me. She tried to use old people, places, and things. She whispered, “here, just a little,” “have some,” and “it will only be every now and again.”

But as I continued day in and day out, allowing the roots of the fearless faith in me to go deeper, she realized she was losing her influence. Because she always took the lead, she refused to take a backseat, so we remained in a constant state of war. It was then that I realized: “You can’t keep fighting her! Fighting is all she has ever known.” If I left it up to her, she would continue to fight me until I was black and blue.

That’s when the dismantling of generational curses began. It was in that moment I understood I was to trust God and learn to love the hell out of the one I hated. I started to work with her and stopped working against her. I began to explore her soul, wounds, and traumas. We started to have monumental movement. She was but a broken, wounded, abandoned, attention seeking, little girl.

As we walked the whole way holistically, the Lord reminded me He has created tools and resources accessible to me. He appointed therapists across the world who specialized in trauma recovery to assist me. It was the year of exposure and she had to be revealed. With Jesus and therapy, she went from hurting to healing.

Now don’t get me wrong, even in her healing, all she has ever known was dysfunction. So, she was good at normalizing her pain to allude successful functioning. Even now there are times when she presents herself and wants to play in an unwell way. It is in those times that I am reminded of the significance my “no” carries with her. That little girl once was my best friend, but then she became my rival. In seeking to understand her, she became my assignment. Knowing her and understanding her role in my life now keeps me fixated on Christ my Savior and my Redeemer. Today, in Him, I stand and remain free from her!

Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 NLT

You can never become who you could be until you hate who you were. Discontent is the seed of change. We don’t decide our future, but we do decide our habits and our habits dictate our future. Choose today to allow God to turn self-hate into self-love.

By Stacha Ashburn

Please note all scripture was taken from the NLT.

Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.


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